


Last first kiss - Zouis

by mandi_pandi



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-16
Updated: 2015-09-16
Packaged: 2018-04-21 03:46:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4813760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandi_pandi/pseuds/mandi_pandi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn has some things to take care of, but it's not easy...</p><p>“It had been a good day, and Zayn finds himself smiling at the memory, though tears are wetting his cheeks.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Last first kiss - Zouis

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic for Zouisweek Day 4 – First kiss. It’s angsty and for that I apologize. Also English isn’t my first language, so let me know if you find any errors and I’ll try to correct them. I also feel bad about the title, but I couldn't come up with anything original. Even so I hope you’ll enjoy this, as it’s my first proper fic written for Zouis. Please let me know what you think. :)
> 
> (You'll fine me on tumblr: zouisneedsmorelove)

The pen is heavy in his hand, not only because he's getting weaker. The words he has to write are heavy too, and he knows that he has postponed this for far too long. He should have done this when he still had the time. Time to say all the things he now had to somehow compress into a few sheets of paper. It shouldn’t be done like this. No, what he should do is to tell all the things he wanted while looking his loved ones in the eye, say them as he held their hands or could give them a hug as he whispered his thanks. There would never have been enough time, but at least he could have done more. But Zayn is a coward, and he couldn’t handle it. He had tried, but he’d choked up and ended up not getting a single word out. So now he has to settle with what he’s capable of. “Do things within your own limitations.” As his mother had reminded him over and over again for the last few months.  
  
He refocuses on the task in front of him. Every word is written with effort as his hands start shaking after a few seconds, and he curses as he lets the pen fall from his grip. He needs to rest for a moment, probably for the twentieth time since he began. He curses loudly, his gaze falls on the faded “Bus 1” tattoo and there is a clenching feeling within his chest. He grazes over it gently, traces the lines carefully, and it calms him down enough to continue.

Or at least he tries to. Zayn’s had a long time to figure out exactly what to write, and yet he throws away sheet after sheet, unsatisfied with what he puts down in quivering inked words. Nothing seems to be enough; to convey enough. It’s slow and it takes him hours to finally get it right.  
  
Nausea hits him just as he's about done with the first paper, and he leans back into his pillow, trying to breathe the feeling away, letting his eyes rest. He concentrates on his breathing, but all he can think of is how he shouldn’t have to concentrate to breathe at all. It doesn’t help much, but after a while he feels good enough to open his eyes again. The sun is shining bright outside the window, yet his room seems so dark. Like the light gets swallowed up right before it can reach his eyes.  
  
He can see a few white patches of snow on the tree branches outside. It's close to Christmas time and he’ll be turning twenty-five in less than a month. They had planned to go all out and celebrate as each one of them got up to twenty-five, and Louis’ party about a year ago had been a huge success. And soon it was his turn. Or rather, I would have been, if things were like a year ago. Last year they had celebrated Louis and made a huge Christmas party out of it at the same time. It had been spectacular, but everything had been drastically different then. He still had years and years ahead of him then and he had locked away his confession for later. When he was braver, for the right moment, when they weren’t in a band anymore, whatever excuse he could come up with to avoid confronting his feelings. Zayn had been happy; content with memories of a few stolen drunk kisses in the dark corners of the house. It had happened when the morning was early and only the two of them were still awake, too content and happy to go to sleep. He remembered only stopping when the first rays of sunshine had found them in their corner. The image after he had pulled away from Louis, when he had displayed his tired smile and bruised lips was something he could never forget. He had caressed his face and Louis had melted into his touch. Sometime he wished that time had frozen and he could have stayed in that moment forever.

But it had never evolved into anything else, and right now Zayn was almost grateful for that. It was better to leave it as an unattainable fantasy where everything was bright and beautiful. Now even the sun itself seemed dull and that time was already distant to him. Something he remembered like a happy dream. He already knew that that dream was fading away, just like he was. Zayn’s future was nothing but a black hole in his stomach and pasty white hospital walls. He might not even make it to twenty-five. How pathetic.

Thinking of the past was at least slightly better. He thought of the surprise he had felt as they had been in the middle of rehearsals a little less than a year ago. He could see the image of Louis’ smile as he cheekily pulled Zayn into a room where all their crew-family had been waiting. Niall was playing his guitar and Harry and Liam were wearing silly party hats as they all sang him a ”Happy Birthday”. It had been a good day, and Zayn finds himself smiling at the memory, though tears are wetting his cheeks. He got another kiss on his birthday. And although nothing as heated as the ones at Louis’ party had happened, but just a small touch of lips, Zayn had felt like there had been some deeper meaning behind it, almost like a soft promise. Like they both knew they were just waiting for the right time, a time that now would never come.

He thinks back to the first kiss they shared again. He’d been wondering about Louis’ lips, about his taste, for years. When they had cuddled up on the couch in the corner of Louis’ house he had thought about leaning in, how easy it would be, but as all the other times he never acted on the impulse. So when Louis had, Zayn hadn’t known what else to do but to kiss back and forget the consequences. He remembered Louis tasting of alcohol, tobacco and something sweet he guessed might be frosting from the cake. It had been unexpectedly soft and lazy and everything Zayn could ever ask for and Louis had been smiling brighter than the sun when they pulled away. Even though they hadn’t mentioned it the morning after when they untangled themselves from each other Zayn had been happy for that small moment, and he never regretted it.

He returns to writing and this time there is a small smile crowning his tired and skinny face. Zayn is remembering as the pen moves over the paper and when he is finally done, there is nothing, yet everything left to say. He wishes he had more time, but knowing that more time won't come to him he settles for this.  
  
He seals the letters and writes down the last few letters on each white envelope. His writing isn’t that neat, but it's not the looks that matters anyway. He put a lot of effort into getting it all down on paper, and even more so these are the words from his heart. The things he can’t leave unsaid, but no longer have the power to put into speech. These two pieces of paper is all that he can do with the way things has turned out. It’s not what he would have wanted, but it’s the best he can muster up. He doesn’t want to leave with more regrets than he already has.

Deciding he better put them away before he has the time to change his mind he leaves the letters inside the drawer next to his bed. The two envelopes seem to glare at him as a reminder of that his time is out. He hesitates for a moment, letting his gaze linger on the thin and shaky letters making up _My boys_ and _Louis_ before he closes the drawer shut. As he closes it, a feeling of relief washes over him. Finally it's done.  
  
Now all he can to do is wait...  
  
**  
  
There is a tense feeling in the small hospital room and all you could hear was the occasional sobs from Niall and Harry. Louis however hasn't cried once since it happened, before today he must have cried enough tears to drown himself, but now while the four of them are quietly cleaning out the room, all he can feel is emptiness. Like he doesn’t know how to function anymore.  
  
Zayn's parents and sisters had already left, and the bed had been emptied. They had already prepared for the funeral that would be held two days from now, all that was left to do was to empty the room of the last few things Zayn had left behind. Louis didn't want to think about it and it seemed all of them carefully avoided the empty bed as they moved around the room, almost afraid to even lay an eye on it, as if that would be the definite end. They were all on edge, even though that final moment had already passed them by about one day ago. It had happened quietly and without the world outside even noticing that it had lost something for forever. Louis wasn’t sure how that was possible. How did the world just keep going? How do the birds just keep singing their happy songs and how does the spring sun make the last snow disappear? Why hasn’t the world stopped when it feels like it to Louis? It doesn’t seem right.  
  
”Hey, guys...” Liam's voice is weak, but since the room was otherwise void of sound, he had no trouble hearing it. Louis turns his head slightly and Liam comes into view. Everyone else is watching him too. Instead of continuing his sentence Liam just holds up his hand, moving everyone’s attention to the white thing in his hand. Which when Louis takes a closer look, he realizes is in fact two envelopes, and suddenly he feels like his stomach is twisted inside out. He turns cold and a hollow feeling fills him as he watch the scribbled letters. But he can’t make out what they’re saying properly. But he doesn’t need to.  
  
Liam’s voice shivers as he speaks. ”It's written to us.”  
  
Those words are enough for the room to go even quieter, though that shouldn't be possible. Louis moves closer and he can now clearly see the handwritten letters on the piece of paper that Liam is slowly starting to open up. There's no mistaking it, Zayn is the one who wrote them. Even if they seem somewhat wobbly, looking more like a five year old wrote them rather than the twenty-five year old Zayn.  
  
When Liam starts reading the first letter, none of the four dare to move a muscle, leaving no room for anything except listening.  
  
**  
  
_To My Boys_  
  
_Niall, Harry, Liam and Lou. When you read this I am already gone and I want to sincerely apologize for leaving you so soon. I used to think that One Direction would stay together forever, and I really wish that things were different._  
  
_But you all know that is impossible, no matter how much we wish for it. So now I just want to thank you all. And also tell you I am sorry. I’m so sorry for leaving you four to fend for yourselves without any explanation. I really regret not telling you all from the start and I only hope that you can forgive me. Know that getting to know you boys is the best thing that happened in my life and that I’ll cherish our time together forever. So thank you all for that!_  
  
_Liam. You were always there when I needed you, even before I asked you to. With you I could always share everything and you were the first one to know about my sickness. Also about that, I'm sorry for making you hide it from the others and I'm also glad that you convinced me to tell them. Thanks to you I got to spend my last time with the people I love the most. You are truly like a big brother, the daddy direction, and you were always the one who cared about us the most, making sure our family stayed together. I know that you will keep doing that even after I'm not there, and it makes it easier to leave, knowing they are all in good hands. I'm really sorry for giving you all so much trouble. Out of everyone I think you are the one who has suffered to my selfishness the most. Me and Louis gave you a lot of grief, but I can’t help but think that you loved us for it. I know we corrupted you a little, and I hope that the two of you will keep being mischievous. I know that Louis needs a partner in crime, and I really hope you can do me the honors. I can think of no one better. But don’t let Louis go too far, because you know he will. Make sure to keep them all in good shape! And please make sure Niall eats more than just Nandos. I'll leave it to you! Thanks for being a part of my life and for always taking your time for me. Never forget what an amazing person you are. Without you I never would have made it this far._  
  
_Harry. Honestly it took me a long time to figure you out. We didn't talk much in the beginning, but as time passed I got to understand more and more about you. And as I opened up myself to you, I in return I got to know what an incredible person you really are. You have given me a lot of power through the years, simply by being you, and I'm grateful to have known you so well. You were always the true star and the one I looked up to the most. I only wish I could have heard you sing one more time. It hurts to see you with the weight of the world on your shoulders and I can only hope that you will share that burden with your three brothers. You don’t always have to be strong on your own. I wish I could have always been there to hold your hand and I am truly sorry that I won’t be able to comfort you when I’m gone. I also want you to know that even though it’s okay to be sad and to cry, it’s also okay to try and lighten the mood with your bad jokes. And Harry, I want you to pay attention because this is important. You are the kindest person I’ve ever met, but sometimes it’s important to put yourself first. You don’t always have to try and be perfect because being just you is already more than the world deserves! And I know I’ve lost my temper a few times, but brothers fight and no offence but I will always find those detox juices kind of ridiculous. But they are just one of all the things that make up the utterly unique being that is Harry Styles. It will always baffle me how someone like you ended up being my friend but I am eternally grateful that it happened. I'll miss you, even including your bad jokes. Never change!_  
  
_Niall. If it weren't for you I don't think any of us would have made it this far. Making us all laugh and keeping the mood up in the stressful and hard times, steadily leading us towards our dream with a smile and a happy tune playing on your guitar. Thanks to your effort, untiringly keeping a good mood amongst the members you made it all the more fun, a job more important than you realize. Don't cry too much over me. Be the always cheerful and positive Nialler who the others can pick on from time to time. No, I'm just joking, even though I will miss teasing you. But in all honesty Niall, sometimes I wish I was more like you. It will never cease to amaze me how you seem to enjoy even the smallest things and how infectious that feeling is on others. I wish I could have switched places with you just for one day to see how the world looks through your eyes, because I imagine it to be quite the sight. Never stop being the way you are! I will miss you more than you can imagine, but I wish for you to remember me with a smile and not with tears. A smile suits you the most after all._  
  
_Lou. Though you’re always acting like a though guy, after all I like the soft, clingy you the most. Even though I complained from time to time your company was always a joy and I wish we would have gotten more time together. You spent hours with me in the hospital room because you knew it made me feel trapped and I can’t thank you enough for that. Even while on tour you would come visit as soon as you could and I kinda felt bad about it when you fell asleep on the uncomfortable chair. Sorry, but thank you. Keep working hard like you always have, but don't overdo it. Also remember how important you are, because sometimes you tend to forget! Your voice is truly special and you should never doubt your place in our group. I still remember when we sat on the beach in Marbella and the look of surprise on your face when I told you I loved your voice. You sing every word with sincerity and that is something I envied. I also felt immensely proud every time you complimented me on my singing, thank you for that. You made me want to do better and try harder, become a better person. You also helped me out of my shell.  I can’t tell you enough how much I will miss your company and how thankful I am for all the stomachaches you’ve caused me from laughing too hard.  Thank you for being my partner in crime even though you pulled me into all kinds of trouble. There were never a dull moment thanks to you and I hope you’ll keep that up for many many more years to come. But don't bully the others too roughly; you know that you will regret it later on. I'm truly sorry that I won't be around to dry your tears anymore, or cuddle with you as we watch sappy movies. You meant the world to me and I’m glad I got to be with you for this long, please live on happily for my sake._  
  
_To everyone, thanks for everything! I know you’ll be just as strong without me and that you will keep making great music. Over the last few months I’ve seen what you can do, and I am so proud that I could burst! I believe in you with all my heart. Please apologize to the fans for me. I am so sorry I won’t get to be there with you anymore, but I will always support you even though you won’t see me anymore. I wish you all the best, because you all deserve all the happiness in the world. I love you all so much! xxxx_  
  
_Also, please let everyone know how grateful I am and how much I love them! I will forever be a part of One Direction and your brother. Goodbye_

_P.S I hope you can read my crappy handwriting_

_X Zayn_  
  
Tears are rolling down staining the clean floor, and no one has the strength to voice words, so the room remains quiet. Liam turns to Louis and nods towards him, the only member of their group that has yet to shed any tears, as he hands over the one remaining envelope, the one with Louis’s name on it.  
  
The second letter is heavy in Louis hands and he doesn't know what do to with it. He can feel his heartbeat in his throat and an unpleasant sickening feeling in his stomach.  Honestly he's afraid, but he is also angry. Why couldn’t Zayn just tell them while… While he still could. It just wasn’t fair, leaving them all like this. He looks around the room, getting his gaze stuck as Harry sob against Niall’s chest. Then he turns his focus back to the letter meant for him, and pulls out a single sheet of white. It feels rough against his skin.  
  
_To Louis_  
  
_First of all I have one thing that I need to say, because if I don't say it now I never will._  
  
_I love you._  
  
_Of course as a member, and as a friend and brother (okay maybe not a brother)... But also as more than that. I love you. I always have and I always will.  It's true and I find myself struggling with the question if it's the right thing to tell you or not. But in the end I don't want to leave any regrets. I wish I could have heard your answer, and I'm sorry to tell you like this. I like to imagine that those kisses meant as much to you as they did to me and I hope that you don’t regret them. I want you to know that I will cherish every moment I’ve spent with you, and that include the night of your birthday party. No matter what your answer would be, or rather will be, know that you will forever be my best friend. And even though it's a selfish request, please don't think differently of me because of those words I never dared say to you personally. I know I’ve said these words to you plenty of times, but never enough. And never with you knowing the true meaning behind them and for that I am sorry. (Though some part of me likes to think that you did know, but maybe that’s just desperate wishful thinking.) I love you and I don’t think you’ll ever know how much, because words just aren’t good enough. I should have showed you while I still could. It’s my biggest regret, but at the same time my greatest relief is that I didn’t drag you down with me in this mess._  
  
_If I got the chance to redo it I would have told you the day I met you, and every day after that. Not like this. I’m sorry. I only hope that you can forgive me._

 _Live well and true as the Lou I love, ok? Thank you for everything. I’ll miss your smile. You were my sunshine in my last rainy days. Farewell._  
  
_With love, from Zayn Malik_  
  
Tears; the ones that he thought would have dried up by now, were streaming down Louis’s face and stain the letter in his shaking hands. He could barely even read the last few sentences, his sight being blurred. It wasn’t fair, none of this was. Louis wished he had known, at least then he would have got to tell Zayn that he loved him too. He’d always suspected, always hoped, but never really done anything about it. He wishes he would have done it, just told him. They could have been together, it didn’t matter how limited their time was, they could have had more kisses, more laughs, more everything. How could Zayn be gone? They never even got the chance to tell their feelings straight, and now it was too late for everything. Now all that remained was a small and slightly crumbled piece of paper, the tears soaking into it and the thoughts of what could have been. There were three other crying boys, an empty bed, and a broken Louis in a world that didn’t seem to even notice.


End file.
